UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – In any organization, it’s important to touch base regularly with staff in order to ensure they are meeting expectations and, also, to check on the well being on the cogs that keep the machine running. This is normally done with the use of appraisals or performance reviews. These are normally one to one meetings with a supervisor in which objectives are set and a staff member’s strengths and weaknesses are examined.
Not all organizations are created equally. We managed to sit down with an agent from the shadowy organisation known only as “Delta Green” to find out what a performance review means to them:
“I am f***ed!! Completely and utterly f***ed. If it was [[redacted]] I was having my meeting with, I’d stand a chance. But instead they’ve assigned that absolute pr***, [[redacted]]. She f***ing hates me. Always has done. Ever since we were in [[redacted]] together. I mean you forget to monitor one f***ing corner of the room one time and her friend gets devoured by a [[redacted]] of [[redacted]] and she develops a f***ing grudge”
“Do you have any idea how they handle poor performance reviews in this organisation? Let’s just say it’s less SWOT analysis and more SWAT intervention. I’ve already got a caution on my file from that time down on [[redacted]] street where I used [[redacted]] diary to try lift the [[redacted]] and accidentally summoned [[redacted]]. Admittedly that was not my finest moment”
“But still, pairing me up with [[redacted]] for my performance review is just a s***ty move. There’s no way she can be objective. But I tell you what if she things I’m taking the fall for what happened [[redacted]] what with the [[redacted]] of [[redacted]] and the murder of [[redacted]] by [[redacted]] who made the whole town [[redacted]] and caused [[redacted]] she can f*** off.”
At this point our reporter had to go out and buy another black permanent marker and when they returned, the agent was no where to be found.